I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
