I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
