I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
