Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
