I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
