They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
