Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
