I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
