I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
