Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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