So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I want to have your abortion
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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