How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize