Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
