My Higher Power is John Stamos
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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