we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
