Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
