I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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