Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
