I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
