The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
