I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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