Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Houston, we have a blender
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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