Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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