Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
