I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
