Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
