Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
