DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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