just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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