The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
