My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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