Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
