I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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