here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
