At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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