im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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