Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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