He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
