A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
