the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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