I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
