It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
