I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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