I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize