I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
