Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
