im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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