I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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