I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize