Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
