onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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