Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
