2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
