I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
