you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
