I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
