Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
