sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
