I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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