everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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