When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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