I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
