if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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