he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
