You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I want a musical about memes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
