ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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